Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
