We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
