I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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