apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
