i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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