Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
