fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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