New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
