so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The beer is more important than you right now.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
