White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the day after is always just damage control
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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