Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize