I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
