I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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