he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
