Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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