I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
