i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
