I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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