You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize