I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
