you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize