someone owes me an orgasm
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
