I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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