hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize