Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
