its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
