everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
