I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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