Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
