if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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