I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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