sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am†with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
