Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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