she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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