i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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