Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
