she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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