Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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