i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
