yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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