My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Houston, we have a blender
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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