I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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