Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
