In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
too bad you live with your parents still
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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