You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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