you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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