Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sarcasm needs its own font
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
