The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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