i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
