I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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