I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
