my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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