Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
