We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Damn victory sex feels great
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
