He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize