Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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