Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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