she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
