when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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