My Higher Power is John Stamos
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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