Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Terrible idea I love it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
