The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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